Why did I fall in love with you?
by secret-wildcard
Summary: Kanbei's thoughts and memories, thinking of Hanbei and their time together. Kanbei/Hanbei friendship and romance. Songfic. Character death.


_Why did I end up falling for you?_

Kanbei Kuroda stood alone on top of a hill, overseeing a battle, yet his eyes didn't really see what was going on before him.  
_  
Why did I end up falling for you?_

The screams never reached his ears and the only sign that he wasn't just a statue was the slow raising and falling of his chest.  
Somehow one of the enemy soldiers managed to pass through all lines. He wasn't even a general or something. Just some sort of peasant that had somehow slipped through the masses and now saw the chance to make a name of himself and gain fame and money.  
Charging without a word of warning at the unprotected back of the enemy general, he didn't even see the green orb glowing in front of the male, nor did he ever see his dead coming until it was already over.

Blood splattered onto the stotic male's cheek and for a moment he half turned to see the creature falling to the ground with uncaring eyes. The blood started spreading out from his body and somehow that view triggered a different memory in him and he stiffened up before snapping his eyes back to the present and shouted out instructions.  
He wouldn't loose. He couldn't.  
_  
No matter how much time has passed,  
I thought that you would always be here  
But you have chosen a different road_

As expected the battle had been victoryous. The redhaired fox was fanning himself while Masanori and Kiyomasa were already starting to celebrate with a bottle of sake, drawing even the calm Sakon in and also making Hideyoshi and Nene join in the toast.  
Kanbei couldn't help watching their happyness with a growing bitterness inside him, before turning his back to them and pulling himself on the prepared horse, just barelly informing the others that he was heading back.  
The hoves of the horse thumped heavily over the ground as he forced it to go in full speed all the way.  
_  
Why wasn't I able to convey to you?  
My feelings that were growing everyday and night  
The words begin to overflow  
But I know they won't reach you now_

Finally he arrived at his goal, slid out of the saddle and headed straight over the ground, passing the first two guarded gates without any interference and finally reached the inner grounds of the castle. Here strolled from the main path to a small one on the side, which would lead him towards the back of the building._  
_Harsh coughing reached his ears, followed by a gagging sound and them something hitting the ground.  
Pained the man closed his eyes as he simply stood around the corner of the corridor that would lead into the sick persons room._  
_After a while it became silent again aside from some heavy breathing and someone else shuffling around. Hanbei's weak voice pained the adult even more. It felt like a hand was curling around his heart, drawing together to a fist, it's claws already pressing in and making it bleed.  
But this was all he could do. Nothing he could do or say would be able to ease the other's pain. The only thing he could do was share his pain silently.__

From the first day that I met you  
I felt like I knew you  
And the two of us melded together so naturally

When Hideyoshi had introduced them for the first time, he had felt a weird spark and apparently the other one had felt it too. It hadn't been love then. He was sure of that.  
They had instantly gotten along well - which was a first for both of them. It was easy talking to each other - almost as if they had known each other from the day they were born. At one point he'd wondered if perhaps they knew each other from a past live. Despite having choosen to change his believe towards the christian ways, this was one of the few things he couldn't let go. Not when there was a living proof that it might be true.  
Their compability had turned out so high, that they had no problems finishing each other's thoughts, yet also analyzing each one's suggestion, pointing out flaws and easily working out a way to combine their ways in an unbeatable strategy, fitting for the situation and easily adjusting it when unexpected situations occured during the battle.__

Wherever we would go, it would be together  
It was so natural for you to be with me  
We became adults together  
But you chose a different road

They'd been pretty much always worked together, which had ended up in their lord giving them matching nicknames, which instantly were taken up by everyone else. Even their enemies had started refering to them by those titles.  
Another piece to connect them even tighter together.  
Kanbei found himself admiring the older, thought frailer strategist, that looked so young in appearance. His sunny personality was slowly but surely making it's way into his heart little by little without intending to do so and without him noticing it until it was to late.  
_  
Why did I end up falling for you?  
No matter how much time has passed,  
I thought that you would always be here (but not anymore)_

The dangerous fangs of love held him tightly ensnarled until he wasn't even certain anymore if he wanted them gone, no matter how painful it might turn out to ge.  
Weeks and months passed by until he finally became aware how sick his friend really ways.  
Seeing him suddenly collapsing onto the ground, struggling to catch his breath as his body was shaken by coughts and a red sea starting to spread out and taint the white robe... At that time he was certain his heart had stopped for a few minutes._  
_Suddenly he was painfully aware how precious their time together was. And how sudden it could be over and gone.__

Today, the day that holds a special meaning  
The day that you stood with a smile of happiness  
Praying to God in your beautiful appearance

When Hanbei had hesitantly stepped up next to him as he'd been praying, he had seemed so beautifully uncertain and shy and full of innocence.  
The other probably hadn't even been aware that he had been watched as he'd taken in the small praying room with eyes of curiousity and wonder.  
What had made Kanbei's heart leap thought, had been when he'd stepped up next to him, kneeling and foldening his hands like he had, eyes fluttering shut as he secretly seemed to have sent his own words to _his _lord_.  
_At the very same moment the sun had broken through the clouds that had occupied the sky those past few days, it's golden beams making the white gown glow and painted the image of a holy shine over the other's hair and a veil over his hair and back.  
Kanbei had suddenly had the image of the holy mother of jesus before his inner eye and was stuck how perfectly it matched the view before him.  
When the other had suddenly turned around and spotted his open hanging mouth, he'd let out a soft chuckle and asked what was wrong.  
_  
With the person next to you who isn't me  
The image of you receiving blessings  
How could I just stand aside and watch_

The image of the other playing go with Mitsunari suddenly flashed before his eyes. How they had looked at each other and suddenly chuckled, their eyes sparkling in silent admiration of the other.  
Something ... just something happened then. Something he still couldn't quite understand.  
_  
So why did I end up falling for you?  
We can't go back to that time, or how we were (I've thought it through)  
_  
He'd tilled down, their lips meeting. Hanbei's eyes had widdened while keeping looking in his, then the moment of silence had passed by and the smaller one had flushed, before allowing his eyes to flutter shut.  
They had reached a point of no return. And even thought at times they wondered wether or not this had been a wise choice to take, neither of them could even imagine themselves in any other way.  
_  
Why wasn't I able to take your hand?  
No matter how much time passes  
You always should've been by my side  
Now it will never come true_

He'd run across the battlefield when his son brought him the message. The words he'd never wanted to hear. The words he'd hoped to be able to postphone forever.  
To slow. Just a little bit to slow.  
His feet had crumbled under him. Just a few moments to late.  
Hanbei's chest didn't move anymore. The body had stilled, making no sound. In his last few moments he hadn't been able to be there.__

But, even though I say that I need you close to me  
I just pray that you will be happy forever  
No matter how lonely that makes me (or how sad)

At that moment he hadn't cared about loosing face at all.  
Gently he had taken the smaller hand into his and brought it up to his lips, then his forehead as he prayed for the other's soul.  
Wishing for him to having to suffer less in his next live. Wishing for him to experience more happyness.  
Hideyoshi and the servants had left him to allow him making his personal goodbyes.  
For the first time in years he'd shared tears.

Some said that after Hanbei's death he had changed further. His heart no longer holding a place for tender feelings, aside every once in a while for his son.  
But it was wrong. All this time he deeply cherrished the few years he'd been able to spend with his beloved one.  
The hint of a smile touched his lips as he lay on the battlefield, his blood purring out from the deep wound he'd recived. It had been so cute to see his little son play with Hanbei and calling him uncle all the time.  
He knew he was dying and dying slowly, but he didn't mind.  
Even thought he doubted that he was going to heaven, he had no regrets.  
No. Considering he'd defiled the sanctuary by making love to Han- no, Shigeharu - right then and there and later denying his believes upon the order of his lord, he most certainly was going to hell. Or simply for another live.  
Either way it was time to return to the stream of souls... And who knew? Perhaps they were lucky enough to have their fates entwine once more?__

As he took his final breath, the image of his love appeared before his eyes, small, pure, white wings spreading out behind him and holding a hand out to him. Perhaps he was not fit to be in heaven. Perhaps he was a devil of hell. His action might drag his loved one down again, but...  
At least they'd be together. And that was all that really mattered.  
To both of them.  
Without hesitations he gathered his last strenght to raise his arm and grasp the offered hand.  
Even if they'd fall... they'd fall together._  
_


End file.
